How did it all change? How did it become so complicated? We live under the same roof but we fight constantly. We keep going at it, a never ending feud. You know I hated u; I think a part of me still does. It’s just that our situations are so complicated now. I feel confused and you sure don’t make it any easier for me. You constantly keep undermining me and pinning me onto the wall and blaming me. I’ve tried. Oh how hard I’ve tried but there is no way to untangle so many year’s rift all thrown together into this thing we call a relationship. Do I wish that it was non existent? Of course I do. I wish it every single day. I wish our relationship wasn’t as broken and messy as it is now. I wish I could openly hug you and kiss you and say you how much I love you. But here’s the thing. I do not love you. I do not know what I feel towards you. Years of conflict and hate muddled my senses. It’s like my brain tells me that I am programmed to love you but there’s this glitch which makes it hard to feel that certain feeling and since I can’t really over ride my biological programming, I can’t hate you either. I most surely do not nothing you to be honest on a certain level. We fight and throw tantrums and you accuse me of things I haven’t done and at the end of the day we still talk about stuff…the good stuff. I admit that there will never come a day when I will openly admit to you how conflicted I am about how I feel about our relationship but I guess the only thing to do is admit that this dysfunctional thing is what we are. We are not going to get past it. We crossed that threshold a long time ago, some scars don’t heal properly. But may be some scars were meant to be etched into my skin, into my heart and into my brain and some scars were meant to be etched into yours. Nonetheless Happy Mother’s Day, mom.
And to be honest,
all of a sudden
I didn’t feel
But it came years later
when I finally loved myself
more than I loved you.
FOR MY BETTER HALF, WHOMEVER YOU MAY BE.
FOR MY BETTER HALF, THE PERSON WHO COMFORTS ME EVEN IN BLISS.
Whom do you want to see every time you turn your head back?
Whom do you want to hug every time you are lonely?
Whom do you want to talk to when you are at your deepest darkest?
Whom do want to share your happiness with?
Whom do want to touch with your soul?
Whom do you want to connect with on the most terrifying level?
Whom do want to trust so much that it scares you to death?
Whom do want to lie next to when you gaze at the stars?
Whom do you want your morning’s hello and night’s sweet dreams to be?
If you ask me, then each and every answer would be : YOU.
Writing brings me solace.
Stories help me acquire multiple personas.
Poetry makes me listen and feel the silent music.
Thoughts tangle and untangle within me while life comes to a mere blur.
So before I forget to live,
Take me on adventures with you.
Make me do that dare.
Drown with me under the rain.
Meet me in coffee shops.
Recommend me songs you listen on a loop.
Give me your favorite book, a piece of you I can cherish.
Let us lie together on the beach and watch the sun kiss the horizon
And the stars come up one by one to shimmer its light upon us.
Spread my words.
Hear my thoughts.
Be a part of me.
I am glad I met you N.K , my Helicopter!